Strength from Adversity
Feeling that life is too much and it’s unfair, and being knocked back by disappointment and failure
Failure is never full or final. Don’t view every setback as a personal critique of your current effectiveness or a damning indictment of your future potential. Treat failure as a valuable teacher, providing you with the learning to refocus your life strategy and tactics. Failure is inevitable if you attempt anything difficult. Directing your efforts on the easy and trivial won’t disappoint, but it won’t accomplish anything significant either. Don’t let the fear of failure deter you from pursuing ambitious goals. Far better to fail than avoid attempting anything worthwhile in life.
The future comes one day at a time. We don’t become heroes overnight. Whatever your life situation, good or bad, things will change. There will be good times ahead and there will also be tough challenges to overcome. Don’t anticipate the full range of potential life problems. Don’t imagine every possible life difficulty that lies ahead. But do equip yourself to meet tomorrow’s challenges. Overcoming the challenges of the next day will strengthen you to tackle the problems of the day after that.
“Lions are not chasing us anymore.” Fear is hard-wired into our biological system for the very good reason that fear has worked throughout our evolutionary history. Fear has kept us alert to danger and motivated us to escape from danger and harm. But our mental software hasn’t yet advanced fully to deal with the threats and challenges of the 21st century. We still behave us if we are living in the African savannah. Much of the time fear is our instinctive reaction when cool headed reason would be a more useful response. We still need to “fight our lions” but with a different set of tactics.
Know what matters and gives you meaning in life. Clarity of life goals provides the purpose to keep going even in the face of uncertainty and difficulty. A life commitment, that sense of what you want to achieve, will help you endure what might seem impossible. And if you don’t possess that clarity of what matters to you take time out to establish your life purpose.
Recognise the “givens of life”. However enjoyable, satisfying and fulfilling our current life situation, the fundamentals of life hold:
- not everyone in life will respect, like or love you. Some may despise and hate you
- others will let you down and disappoint you. Some will hurt you
- you will make mistakes, get it wrong and make a fool of yourself from time to time. Some will exploit your vulnerabilities and shortcomings
- you will experience frustrations, setbacks and disappointments. Life can be difficult
- even worse, tragedies do happen. Life can be unfair and cruel
Remember the final “given”. You possess the “the last freedom”: the power to keep going when everything tells you life is proving too much. That is courage.
“Maybe so, maybe not.” Life’s adversities can sometimes turn out to be blessings in disguise and apparent good fortune can lead to future problems. Sometimes we don’t know whether a life event is a good or a bad thing until, with the benefit of hindsight, we can look back to see the positive consequences stemming from what at first seemed a setback. And vice versa. Keep life in perspective. There is a fine line between “triumph and disaster”. Don’t allow immediate triumphs lull you into complacency or a false sense of security. And don’t let short-term “disaster” deflect you from your longer-term goals.
Manage the “tyranny of the three musts”.
- “I must do well.”
- “I must be treated well by others.”
- “The world must make things easy for me.”
No doubt, we would like to do well, to be treated with respect and for life to accommodate our aspirations and preferences. But there are no “musts” in life. Reality can be harsh, but our desire for an easy life won’t make it any easier. Take responsibility for your life. You can always find others to blame for any life difficulty and problem. But it is your life and you are responsible for how you live it. Review your life situation. Your choices made the situation in the first place and continue to maintain it. Know when to put your hand up and admit a mistake. Denying responsibility or looking to blame others may magnify the scale of the problem. Accept that life isn’t fair. It never has been and it never will be.
Deal with the difficult before it becomes impossible. Build up your psychological “hardiness” while you’re in good shape by facing up to the stresses and strains of daily life. Short-term avoidance will create long-term troubles, making you more vulnerable to future traumas when they occur. A life outlook that faces up to the trials and tribulations of daily life will develop the resilience to manage the crisis points of life. Batten down the hatches when you hear the gale warning. Life crises come in all shapes and sizes, some of which appear out of the blue with no warning. But others can be anticipated. Read the warning signs of trouble that is brewing and prepare for the tough times of life.
Make a personal commitment to keep going. Make a promise to yourself that no matter how difficult life might be, you will do your best and not give up. That is all that anyone can expect. Failure, difficult though it is at the time, is better than the avoidance of life’s challenges and difficulties. We don’t fail through experiencing setbacks and disappointments. We fail through how we respond to them.
“This too shall pass”. The fabled Eastern potentate, asking his advisors for that insight which would apply to any situation at any time, received the response: “this too shall pass.” Good times won’t continue forever. But neither will the bad times. Difficult though it may seem when going through the trials and tribulations of life, things will get better, somehow in some way. As human beings, we possess remarkable powers of recovery, even after experiencing traumatic and terrible events.
Learn to move on. Don’t keep talking about it. Conventional wisdom suggests that it’s good to talk. We should share and discuss our difficult experiences to work through the issues and help the “healing process”. Empirical research indicates the opposite! Work through the problems you have encountered with those you respect and trust. But don’t keep reliving past problems and difficulties. Don’t hold on to a past that is holding you back from your future
“Ships in the harbour are safe, but that’s not what ships were built for.” Step up to accept more responsibility within your life, for yourself and for others. Your progress in life, how you translate your potential into practical achievements, depends in no small measure on the speed with which you take on more responsibility. Don’t keep your ship in the harbour.
Escaping Failure. Failure is not a damning indictment of you; it is feedback that you tried something and it didn’t work. So, ask why? And the three likely reasons are:
- “I don’t know deep down what I want to achieve.” Here you’re running hard but in a haphazard way, and unclear about life priorities. And this lack of clarity is taking you into activities that are counter-productive. Take time out to revisit your life goals and make life choices about what you value and want. See the “Perfect Day” exercise to clarify your thinking.
- “I don’t know how to achieve my goals.” Here tactical planning and implementation is critical. Work through the material on this site, and follow up the links and suggested reading, to pinpoint the two or three ideas that will move you in the right direction.
- “I know what I should do but I lack the motivation.” It may be your goals are not providing sufficient purpose to energise you (in which case, revisit your life goals). Or it may be that you need to develop the skills of self motivation and build the habits and disciplines that will maintain your focus.