Constructive Conflict
Confident in the face of conflict, prepared to address any disagreement or conflict in advancing goals
The 90-10 Rule of Negotiation. 90% of any negotiations are determined in the first 10% of the negotiation. The other 90% of the time is needed to settle the last 10% of the details. And the first 10% is determined by:
- do I like the other party?
- does the other party like me?
- do I like the idea?
If the answer is no to one or two out of the three, don’t waste time on pointless discussion; the negotiation will never result in a satisfactory outcome.
Aggressive negotiation is not tough negotiation.Aggressive behaviour with the ploys of bluster, bullying, threats and intimidation work sometimes, but only for a short time, and with a massive potential to backfire. Tough negotiation is skilful and flexible to adapt your tactics to the requirements of different situations but is resolute in persevering to achieve your goals. Put your ego to one side to be a tough negotiator. Don’t score points. Win the game.
Acknowledge others’ emotions. You may disagree with the reasons behind others’ position and dismiss the associated frustration, anger or hostility. But for others their feelings are a valid response that you need to recognise. Simply saying, “I can see that you’re feeling X, Y or Z” can be a start in opening up a more constructive dialogue. Don’t rely on logical analysis and reasoned debate to resolve disagreement. Marshall the facts well and articulate robust arguments. But don’t assume your compelling case will resolve the conflict. Few people, for example, like to be shown, especially in public, as intellectually inferior or foolish. If you’re right, make it easy for others to come around to your position.
Look for a solution. Don’t complain. Focus not on what is wrong but on what you want to happen to put things right. State your demands and make them specific. And don’t wait. Express your dissatisfaction quickly. The emotions of resentment can build up quickly and affect how you articulate your grievance. Know how to ask. Ask with confidence as if you fully expect to get it or don’t ask. Assume that there is no reason why you won’t get it. And ensure your body language and tone of voice reinforces your demand. Don’t be half-hearted, apologising when asking, expecting a refusal. Be specific in your request: what you want and when you want it. Don’t be deterred by the standard “no”. Be willing to ask again.
Create a healthy dialogue in the work team.Make sure there is diversity within the group to create a spectrum of different views. Look at the background, experience and operating preferences of each team member. If everything thinks alike (or you are encouraging everyone to think alike) then there is a problem. Manage debate to stimulate divergent thinking to encourage discussion around fresh perspectives and new ideas. But also know how to manage the risks of diversity. Don’t allow interpersonal differences become a war of competing egos.
Khrushchev’s Third Shoe. Nikita Khrushchev, President of the Soviet Union, is attending a United Nations conference in the mid 1960s. In his display of anger at U.S. policy, Khrushchev pounds the lectern with his shoe. Photographic evidence indicates that he was wearing both shoes at the time. So where did the third shoe come from? Prepare for the moments of open and direct confrontation, those times when you need to make an open and public display of your disagreement and the intensity of your feelings.
Get out of futile disagreements. Don’t waste negotiational time on those trivial disputes that can never please anyone and will only make you unpopular. These are the petty discussions about the Christmas party, the choice of coffee or the colour of the window blinds. Don’t get caught up in this nonsense. Let those who care about this trivia battle it out. If it gets out of hand and is undermining productivity, call a vote. But don’t get dragged into the small stuff that can only damage your credibility.
Don’t win an argument you can’t win. You may win the debating points but in the process, you may make a powerful opponent look foolish and feel humiliated. And they won’t forget it. Always give your opponents an escape route they can use with dignity. Has anyone ever said: “I’m wrong, you’re right. Thank you for correcting me.” Don’t manage conflict to be “right”. Manage conflict to win and achieve what is important to you. There are moments of disagreement over fundamental principles when you need to fight your corner and defend your position. There are also many times when the issues don’t matter much and you need to let them go.
Not everyone operates in their best personal interests.Rational negotiation won’t work with those individuals who are determined in act in ways detrimental to their own well being. Rational analysis and debate won’t persuade these individuals that your proposals represent the best solution to their requirements. But before walking away from those self-destructive individuals, remember that they do have their needs, however misplaced or counter-productive. Work out what they are and assess the possibility of reframing the arguments to achieve some kind of resolution. If that doesn’t work, walk away.
The sound of silence.Silence is powerful. If you can hold back and “bite your tongue”, then silence lets others talk if they want to. And it forces them to talk even if they don’t want to. Silence becomes a void and others feel a need to fill it. When you’ve made your point, be quiet and let the other person respond.
Listen well to argue well. Many “arguments” are little more than the dogmatic presentation of opinions, repeated by both sides throughout the discussion, with no shift in position on either side. “To be understood you need to understand.” When others feel you are listening to their views, genuinely attempting to understand their perspective, they will be more likely to listen to your arguments.
Fight fair. Winning an argument is good for the ego, in the short-term. But it may weaken your character and integrity for the long-term. “Fighting fair” is an explicit understanding of conflict with another party and the willingness to resolve it in a way in a constructive way:
- check your motivation and intention. Is this an issue worth fighting for? Or I am making a fuss about nothing much to make another point? If it is a big deal, am I prepared to fight fair? Or will I do whatever needs to be done, come hell or high water, to win…whatever the consequences?
- schedule a time for the “fight”. State your expectations in advance to signal your feelings and the issues you are looking to resolve. “I am feeling upset/disappointed/angry about….and we need to work out a way forward. Can we agree a time to discuss this issue.”
- state the problem. Don’t over do it by allowing your anger or sense of injustice to exaggerate the scale of the problem and alienate the other person. State the issues objectively with a clear summary of why you can’t allow the current situation to continue. Don’t revisit old history and painful memories but do articulate how you feel now
- don’t “punch below the belt”. There are rules to the game. Know the limits and keep your arguments within the game. There are opinions and accusations you can express that will be so hurtful that you will win the argument. But using them will lose the game.
- ask for change that is fair, practical and possible. If you’re winning the fight, don’t keep pressing to make outrageous demands, designed to reinforce your sense of victory. It will do little to provide a sustainable way forward
- be willing to work out a compromise. The fight should negotiate changes that work for you and the other party. But don’t allow the compromise to end in a vague statement which no one really understands and will then go on to interpret in their own way. Summarise the agreement and its implications
- put the past behind you. If you’ve “won the argument” don’t lose the bigger battle by revisiting an old conflict.
Know the importance of timing. in judging when to address conflict immediately, when to let the problem develop, and when to ignore it completely. Few people like conflict and most will go to any lengths to avoid dealing with it. Make this work in your favour. Recognise when the power dynamic is on your side and move quickly to state your demands assertively. Know also when you need to back off to wait for a more favourable time. And don’t negotiate when you are under pressure. Choose your battles carefully, knowing when and where to fight and when to strategically withdraw.
Get some “No’s”. If you aren’t getting any “no’s”, then the chances are that you aren’t pushing hard enough. You’re selling yourself cheap. You’re allowing others to set the specification, price, the deadlines. You’re anticipating rejection and allowing others to set the agenda and control the negotiation. Be willing to push harder to hear some “no’s” and then negotiate around them.
Put the brakes on a blame cycle before it escalates.Sometimes it is easier to look for the guilty party (and psychologically satisfying in bolstering our self esteem) rather than find a practical solution to the problem. But blame takes conflict into destructive arguments that become increasingly less relevant to the issue at the heart of the original problem. When things are getting out of hand and you want or need to maintain a constructive dialogue the only responses are:
- “I’ve made a mistake/offended you; I apologise.”
- “We seem to have got into a misunderstanding; can we start again.”
- “I want to understand your position. I’m listening.”
- “I want to work with you to put things right and find a solution.”
If none of the above, said in the right way and tone work, then exit the argument for a cooling period.
When you complain, complain to the right person. Don’t take grievances out on those who either had little to do with the origin of the problem or can’t provide you with a solution. Blowing off steam might make you feel more self-righteous but it won’t advance your goals. Talk directly to someone with the authority to resolve the situation. Know how to escalate. Don’t express your grievance; it will simply continue the argument. Suggest a solution to the problem. Be specific about what you want to happen.
Go “nuclear”. There are times when you need to be prepared to push the “red button” in conflict resolution. But only make a final ultimatum if you mean it. Final offers are high risk with the potential to backfire and undermine your credibility. If your bluff is called it will be extremely embarrassing. Know in advance what your fall back position is in the event of someone refusing your final offer. And if you are making a final offer, don’t be explicit. Utilise subtle language: “It looks like its decision time”, “we’ve got to the end of the road” to keep room for manoeuvre.