Thick Skin Response
Keeping composure in pressure situations and a sense of perspective about what matters to shrug off any personal criticism
Walk the tightrope between self-esteem and self-doubt. An unrealistic and inflated sense of your capability is problematic: it takes you into situations that in the long run will expose your shortcomings and set you up for failure. Self doubt is equally dangerous: a cautious life outlook will hold you back from testing and stretching yourself to develop new skills and seizing life’s possibilities. Keep a healthy level of “positive self illusion” – your conviction that you can succeed – whilst keeping grounded in the realities of your life situation. Think big but think practical.
Read the signs. Don’t become so detached from others’ views and opinions that you lose touch with the realities of your life situation. A “thick skin” is a valuable buffer between you and the world, filtering out those hostile messages that will undermine your sense of self worth. But a thick skin also acts as a barrier to stop important signals getting through. If you’re making it difficult for others to give you feedback about your effectiveness and impact, find ways to check how you’re doing. Ask, if I was to score “10” as a leader, manager, partner, friend, what would I have to do better? What would I need to stop doing?
Empathise. Don’t assume that others see the world in exactly the same way as you do. They don’t. Your robust outlook and resilience protects you from the emotional ups and downs of life. But remember that others may be affected by set backs and disappointments which don’t bother you. Don’t dismiss others problems. What for you may be a minor problem, others may see as a major disaster.
Use humour selectively. In a politically correct age of heightened sensitivities, robust humour will not endear you to everyone. Some will find your humour engaging. You will also alienate others. Inappropriate humour may make others laugh at your audacity but it may also make them question your judgement and tact. Some humour is best kept for the privacy of your immediate circle.
Don’t flaunt your shortcomings. The “take-me-as-I-am-warts-and-all” individual may quickly find that others don’t want to take them as they are. Don’t assume that the open display of your shortcomings is a signal of your self confidence and personal security. It isn’t. It might just irritate and annoy others. Know your “blind spot”. This is the personal shortcoming that everyone else recognises but you find difficult to acknowledge. This limiting factor can become your “achilles heel” in life, so listen to others. If you don’t know what it is, you can’t manage it. And if you can’t manage it, your blind spot will constrain your life effectiveness.
“You’re right, I’m wrong.” Try an experiment in which, rather than automatically disagreeing with criticism, you agree with it. Or at least, like a judge, you distance yourself from the issue to look at the evidence impartially. Does the criticism contain a germ of truth? What can you learn from it?
Know how to take a hint. Others may not give you direct and explicit feedback. Instead, they indicate their views indirectly, through “meta-language” (the hidden meanings within language and non verbal behaviour). Read the signs rather than press on oblivious to others’ real opinions. And don’t insult others inadvertently. Others can be extraordinarily touchy, alert to the slightest slight and quick to take offence at the suggestion of any criticism. Don’t allow your thick skin to blunder into “where angels fear to tread”.
List your 3 biggest life mistakes. Don’t agonise over the past and what might have been or conduct “what if” experiments. But do keep humble by reminding yourself of your shortcomings and failings. What did you learn from the experience and what are you doing differently as a result? Learn from your mistakes. Not everyone in life is an idiot, responsible for each and every cock-up and failing you encounter. It might be you. Don’t be so obstinate that you attempt to rationalise away your mistakes, looking to point the finger of blame at anyone and everyone, apart from yourself. Display the kind of humility that is prepared to put your hand up and accept when you have got it wrong. And work through the reasons and the learning and what you will do differently in future.
Deal with your mistakes well. We all make mistakes and most people understand this. It is our response to our own mistakes which makes the difference. If you’ve cocked up, say so and do it quickly. Admit the problem and get on with the task of putting things right. Deception, cover up and attributing blame elsewhere will create a bigger problem in the long run.
Listen to your rationalisations. Keep alert to the way your mind plays tricks, the tactics that protect your ego by discounting, dismissing and denying those views which challenge your existing beliefs and values. Keep an open mind to look at others’ opinions and arguments objectively. Instead of thinking, “who’s right and who’s wrong?” ask: what can I learn?
Open your book. A life strategy based on a “poker face and closed book” in which you conceal your motivations and intentions ensures that you don’t make too many public mistakes. It ensures that you leave few opportunities for your enemies to exploit. It also runs the risk of making it difficult to build the loyalty of your friends. Don’t just share the facts of your life situation. Be willing to give something of yourself in sharing your feelings with those you trust. Confide in them to discuss how life is, how it really is, not the version you want to project to others.
Show passion. Cool-headed judgement is a powerful asset to keep a perspective on the ups and downs of life. But don’t allow your level headedness hold you back from the display of enthusiasm in something that captures your interest. Don’t be so guarded or cautious in your response to others’ ideas that nothing seems to capture your imagination or excite your energies.
Self belief allows you to change course, but insecurity persists to prove you are right. Confidence can easily become arrogance and that belief that you can always beat the odds. Self belief is the inner conviction that you will do your best, whatever the circumstances, and is willing to adapt to events and accept the need to adapt and change tactics. Keep flexible. Achieving your long-term goals is more important than maintaining your ego.